Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
