She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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