If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
