I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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