I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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