I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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