I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
