My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
