I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
