Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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