When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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