I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
