the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
