I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
