And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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