i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize