fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
