You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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