I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
