i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
