She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
