i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
