Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
