I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize