you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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