It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
