just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
