Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
