I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
