You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How naked do you want me to be?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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