I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
