saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
