this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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