I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
