i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
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His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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