I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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