Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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