I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
