What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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