Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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