Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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