he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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