chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I look better un-naked...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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