Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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