I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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