Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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