I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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