Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
