wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.