I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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