Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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