So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
