I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
