when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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