Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
