Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
