No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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