We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
