i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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