Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
