i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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