Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
