Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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