Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
